‘Grief is here and there, its every where…it follows me around, it turns my world upside down. Happy one minute, sad the next. A lot of times I don’t even understand. These moods, these memories that flood my head. I wish to forget, I wish to let it go and have no regret. It follows me, like a shadow, a dark cloud, its there…its always there’ (DN7)
So many times we takes things for granted. You or someone you love, could be here one moment and gone the next. You never think its possible…for anything bad to happen to you, and when it does, you think ‘why me?’ or ‘why did it happen to my family?’.
You search for answers to questions which may never be answered. We seek but never truly find. They say ‘time heals all wounds’…I’m not sure if that really possibly helps. Sometimes, some wounds take longer to heal…sometimes you have to hurt a lot, feel a lot of pain…that helps to live with the little pain in your life that stays with you forever. Few people will get what this means…
For me personally, I get scared every time I feel too happy because I know it won’t last and it normally doesn’t. People will say that its all in my head, but I guess I’ve been scarred enough to know that being too happy is not good…because something bad is normally around the corner for me. Even at the end of the day, I may have had the best day possible, laughed a lot, had so much fun…in the end, before I sleep, I have to cry it out so that the sadness that I know is coming my way will disappear…at least that’s what I hope will happen.
My family and friends tell me to be strong, have hope and pray. I do pray, I pray with all my heart for the hurt to go away…but I feel helpless at times. And I feel guilty…for my sadness. I have a good life…but don’t feel happiness, because I’m scared of being happy. That’s become like a phobia for me…and I don’t know what to do.
I love to write…and for people going through something similar, maybe they can understand and relate. Getting advise from people who don’t is the worst…they are strong and deal with things differently. For me, I’m slightly different…I don’t cope too well and that is alright. Its not a sign of weakness…I’m only human and I need a bit more time to be strong and deal with things in my own way and in my own time.